For people who follow my blog (and there are a surprising number of you who do so – that’s still strange to me), you might have noticed that I haven’t been blogging nearly as much as I used to. Back in the day, I would blog a fair amount. I had a schedule. I had goals. I had special daily posts. I had a ton of reading and writing challenges that I blogged about with enthusiasm. I was borderline obsessive about this thing.
And then it happened.
I don’t usually talk much about my personal life here because it’s, well, personal. And, truthfully, it’s no one else’s business. Not that there’s anything to hide, but this blog isn’t the place for it. Besides that, depression is a really touchy topic for many people. It’s hard to diagnose. It’s still a stigma. It’s different for everyone. My depression manifests itself differently that other people’s might. And, to be completely honest, I didn’t want to talk about something when it was very possible that I would be judged. It was easier to just disappear.
I’ve decided that I don’t want to disappear, and don’t want to not talk about it. If anyone judges anyone who suffers from depression, or any other issues – whether physical, mental, or otherwise – that’s their problem. Not mine.
I was first officially diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety and social disorders when I was a senior in high school. I’ve been on numerous medications, although currently I’m not taking anything, mostly because I had really bad side effects from the last one I took. I’ve been wondering if I should go back on something, but I also get stubborn. I buy into society’s idea that I should be able to pull myself out of this. It’s all in my head, right? Well, in a way, yes it is. But that doesn’t make it any less difficult to deal with.
The thing is, most people around me wouldn’t notice that anything is wrong. I go to work, do my job, come home, cook dinner, listen to the children argue, muck around on the computer for a while, then go to bed. None of my co-workers would guess that anything is going on – I’m all smiles and business when I’m there. My family has a better chance of seeing my problems, but they also have their own concerns and as long as I don’t do anything too out of the ordinary, they usually don’t see anything wrong. I’ve become very good at hiding this because, again, I don’t want people looking at me and seeing someone who has difficulty just getting through the day.
Side note, but this is why I completely understand people who get addicted to video games. Whenever I sink down into depression, I become almost obsessed with gaming. As Felicia Day once said, “It is so much easier measuring life in experience points!” Video games provided quick, easy feelings of accomplishment that I could get with minimal effort. It was perfect!
Things are getting a bit better, slowly. I’m hoping that as things in my head start clearing up, my blogging will also improve. I’ve already seen some improvements in my day job – I’m much less stressed there, whether because things at work are changing or I’m just handling them better. I’m forcing myself to do more around the house – spending time with my family, cleaning every once in a while. Depression is always there, just off stage, waiting to rush in at the first signs of weakness. But for the moment, I am keeping it at bay.
Sorry if this post is a bit rambling, but it’s been something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a while now.